The views below are provided by Swifty News Network contributor Jack Swifty and in no way reflect the opinions of Virgil’s All-Night Diner or anyone associated with the human race.
It started out as a sad day for the news industry. According to the Huffington Post (which clearly has its priorities straight when it comes to news) Lindsay Lohan, after failing yet another drug test, was to be held without bail until her hearing on October 22. Thankfully, a certain Draconian judge was put in his place late Friday when an appeal set her free on bail. Sort of. She now has to wear an alcohol monitoring anklet. To which I say…
COME ON! How are we supposed to get our news if you shackle our newsmaker like this? Since she was old enough to buy a fake ID, Lindsay Lohan’s life has been the greatest source of entertainment (more so than her movies, one might argue) since Minnie Mouse’s infamous coke benders with Daisy Duck. Blame the parents, blame Hollywood, blame fame … who cares? Her abuse of the legal system and her complete disregard for her health, safety, and pride has driven the News Industry for the past half decade. Anytime Lindsay’s been close to reform, we’ve been there, with every scandalous photo, every absurd tweet, and every law bending moment to remind her of her true self. And in case you think the 24 year old is over the hill as a newsmaker, according to Hollywood Life, Lohan wore her own latest fashions to her hearing. The kid’s still got it. Her very freedom on the line, and she uses the opportunity to pimp out her new clothing line.
And, while we’re on the subject of pimping things out, perhaps Lohan realizes that her time on the Shame-News Spiral is indeed winding down. After so many years of giving journalists a reason to exist (like anyone really wants to write about the economic crisis or health care or Madonna), maybe Lohan knows that it’s time to step away from the spotlight. I mean, sure…she’ll still throw us the occasional misdemeanor coke bust once in a while, maybe pepper in a DUI or a battery charge now and then, but even Brett Favre needs to retire at some point (Seriously, dude – you need to retire…) and just maybe that time has come for Lindsay. Perhaps she realizes it’s time to pass on what she knows to a protege … a successor… And who better to fill that role than her very own sister.
"That Lohan is our only hope..." "No...there is another..."
Ali Lohan, now 16, is getting her first big break as a model for her sister’s line of strip club appropriate clothing (yes, the same brand Lindsay sensibly modeled at her most recent court hearing). We in the News Industry have high hopes for Ali. She hasn’t displayed her sister’s acting talent yet, but, as I’m sure Lindsay’s told her, acting is just a gateway to true stardom, and Ali can ride her sister’s stripper pumps all the way to the top. Her name’s already in the news – so why bother with movies and television? Too much work. We’re looking at the bigger picture: underage drinking binges, drug busts, maybe a pregnancy scandal or three. Lindsay was already 21 before she had her first mug shot taken. We in the News Industry have a little pool going as to when Ali’s first mug shot hits the wires. SNN is taking 18 and a day. Total lock.
Ali, however, may be in for some stiff competition. The Kardashians (and who knew Kardashian was the most common last name in America…I thought it was Smith), have a couple of up-and-comers themselves. Kendall Jenner (okay, she’s only half Kardashian…), now 14, just completed her first bikini shoot. This was a smart move. The Kardashians, sensing the rise of Ali Lohan, preemptively threw out their out their youngest (CORRECTION: Kylie Jenner, 12, is the youngest and is waiting in reserve) their second youngest as a potential headline stealer, now that Kim is over the hill and, outside of dating the NFL, kind of boring. And don’t get me started on the other two: they can’t muster up more than a “Is she or isn’t she pregnant” headline. (How am I supposed to put food on the table with that garbage?)
O, Wheel of Truth, may you never stop spinning. I admit a temporary panic when I thought Lindsay might be locked up for good. I mean, sure there would be the occasional prison rumor, but nothing like having her life unfolded like an origami swan before the constant presence of a news industry that can’t be bothered with war, or poverty, or injustice, or any of those other boring subjects that we didn’t care about in high school. What’s more entertaining…Nay! more meaningful – than blinding a young girl with a spotlight and pointing and laughing when she falls off the stage? I can’t think of anything… can you?
Swifty News Network Special Poll
With Lohan likely facing jail time again, we think she might consider joining a prison dating website for companionship. Which of her mug shots should she use on her dating profile?
Option B: Feathered and Fantastic (November 2007)
Option C: Experienced and Ecstatic (July 2010)
Option D: Wise and Willowy (September 2010)
